Ever meet a great guy and by the end of the third date you’re still shoving your hand out for a handshake? Trust me, this is a no-go. Don’t go on a fourth.It doesn’t matter how kind, compassionate, handsome, smart or financially stable he is. It doesn’t matter how much he seems to like you. Break the news as soon as possible.
When breaking tough news to his mother, Shakespeare’s Hamlet said, “I must be cruel only to be kind so that bad begins and worse remains behind.” This is good advice. If you’re looking for the whole package in a partner—meaning romance, attraction and compatibility—you’re going to figure out pretty much right away if you’re hot for him or not. And if you’re not, keep your integrity. Don’t lie or make excuses. Don’t use the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Tell him like it is. He will appreciate it.
Back in the day when I was a green girl who’d just moved to Berkeley, California, I was selling cheap jewelry on Telegraph Ave. A guy came along to buy some earrings for his sister. We chatted. Ron was getting a degree in graphic design from UC Berkeley. He was charming, smart, with a great sense of humor. Ron had a congenital spine disease, so had been in a wheelchair all of his life. He fascinated me.
Long story short, we started to spend time together and Ron fell for me. I didn’t fall for him. It wasn’t because of his disability. Ron was limited in his mobility, but was otherwise a fully functioning man who’d been married and divorced. I could have had the whole package with him—kids, dogs, picket fence. But I just plain wasn’t interested and should have told him that.
Instead, I told Ron I couldn’t handle the fact that he was in a wheelchair. I thought it would be an often-heard excuse. But, I was dead wrong. And Ron didn’t take my answer very well.
Turns out that was Ron extraordinarily adept at expressing himself with words (a skill learned by a person who’d relied his whole life on verbal agility to get much of what he needed) and I received a tongue-lashing that has yet to be surpassed. I think there was even a mention about me and Satan. Ouch. (Why I stayed around to take it is something you’ll have to read in my memoir.)
Ron cooled off a few days later and apologized. He said, “I’ve never had anyone tell me, that they didn’t want to be with me because of the wheelchair.” It made him go ballistic. And I empathized. I did the easy thing, which ended up being the cruel thing. If I’d fallen for Ron, the wheelchair would have been invisible. But I just wasn’t attracted, and it truly had nothing to do with his disability.
Lesson learned? Yes! I now tell the truth, no matter what. And I highly recommend it. Here are a few simple phrases that might come in handy:
I’m not feeling a spark.
I’m not attracted to you in that way.
I don’t have romantic feelings for you.
I’m not feeling it 100%.
Don’t use the cliché of the day, “I’m just not that into you.” It’s banal and insincere. And be careful with being too vague. A friend told me that she always tells guys, “Something just isn’t quite right.” I don’t recommend this. “Something” could be anything. And by saying something isn’t right, you’re suggesting that something is wrong. Nothing’s wrong with him, or even the situation, so keep the tone of judgment out of it.
When you choose your moment, start first with the things you like about him. Be specific, but brief:
You’re fun, witty and attractive. And . . .
You’re a great person. You make me laugh a lot. And . . .
I love your thoughtfulness and I enjoy our conversations. And . . .
I personally like to use “and” instead of “but.” Maybe it’s just semantics, but I think it takes away some of the sting. We’re all conditioned to expect the worse when we hear the “but.”
Granted, you might be tempted to be too candid. Resist the temptation. Believe me, I’ve been tempted to tell the god’s honest truth:
I’m turned off by your man boobs.
You have the breath of a jackal.
The thought of kissing you is repulsive.
The sight of your naked toes makes the bile rise in my throat—just a little.
You might think it, but don’t say it. Because who are you to say what’s hot or not? The next gal might love his man boobs and the long hairs on his ears.
Because the truth is, attraction is irrational and unpredictable. I’ve had girlfriends—smart, accomplished, gorgeous gals who’ve fallen for middle-aged, bald guys with paunches. And not because these gals were gold diggers or had a daddy-complex, but because the chemistry was right. Indeed, the right chemistry will blind you to their foibles and imperfections.
Science says that we pick our mates by their smell. We choose out partner via pheromones that help us determine that his genetic composition is diverse from ours and will therefore produce viable offspring.
Finding the Perfect Mate: Male Pheromones and Female Attraction
So trust your gut, or rather, your nose. And make a clean break. Beware the “just friends” invitation. If he says, “Well, I wasn't feeling a romantic connection either, but would love to get to know you,” then great, friends it is. But if he has unrequited feelings for you, let it go completely.
If you don’t, there will always be an imbalance. You will end up taking advantage of his feelings for you in one way or another. I’ve watched friends do it for years and it’s ugly behavior. The guy friend is there at the end of the relationship, soothing a broken ego, offering invitations to dinner, or being that date to the wedding you just didn’t want to attend alone. But you’ll be stringing him along. And he’ll always be waiting for the moment when you change your mind. So give it up, no matter how nice he makes you feel.
As my counselor once said to me, “It’s not ok, under any circumstance, to use another person in order to meet your own needs.” He was right. I was on the rebound and this new guy’s promise of scotch, chocolate and tenderness for my fragile ego was the only reason I was going on the third date. I didn’t want to kiss him, not even a little. So I did the right thing and told him no-go.
So it’s pretty simple, really. Be kind, gentle and direct. No doubt at least once in your life the tables have been turned and you were the one who failed to light his fire. Didn’t you appreciate knowing that by the third date instead of 6 months in?
And remember, don’t take it personally. He’s not meant for you, or you for him. Because even in the modern day world of dating, it’s still just a simple, primal matter of passing the sniff test.
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