One of my best friends died of colon cancer 3 years ago. Two of my friends have had mastectomies this summer. These aren’t women in their golden years, but young, vibrant beauties in their 30’s and early 40’s.Cancer is becoming part of our everyday landscape. Maybe it’s touched your life already. There are countless support groups, a multitude of awareness-raising organizations, and tons of great literature about cancer. Even so, because I’ve learned so much from my friends, I’m compelled to share a few insights myself.
Here are just a handful of thoughts I’ve collected about how to be a good friend, as well as take care of yourself when illness comes along.
1) Be the same friend you’ve always been.
2) Establish your role.
3) Share yourself.
4) Know your boundaries.
5) Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Be the same friend you’ve always been. Everything’s different. And everything’s the same. Your friend make be stepping into her first round of chemo tomorrow, but. . .
she’ll still be worried that she’s out of toilet paper at home and wondering whether she can get a salon appointment asap to get her dark roots taken care of. In other words, life goes on.
So stay grounded in normalcy. And try to avoid treating her differently, even if cancer completely freaks you out. It freaks everyone out. It’s natural. Acknowledge it. Forgive yourself. And get over it. Your friend needs you.
If you act weird, distanced, patronizing, are afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, it’s going to create more stress. Step through your own nervousness to that same comfortable, loving place that keeps you the two of you connected.
Establish your role. You may be very involved in care giving. You may play a more auxiliary role. You’ll have to ask very direct questions to make sure that you’re being of service as needed.
Many families will arrange for one individual to be the point-person for correspondence if there is surgery and a hospital stay. Determine what your role should be. Are you the one holding her hand when she comes out of anesthesia? Or are you the one that shows up two weeks later when she needs news from the outside world and a chocolate-dipped macaroon from the local bakery?
Some people are terrible at asking for help and have a hard time receiving it. Some people will tell you exactly what they need. Know what kind of person your friend is. And listen to what she says.
If she has a hard time asking for help, you’ll figure that out pretty quickly. Use your common sense. If she’s trying to do too much on her own, you may need to steamroll her and show up unannounced, make dinner, wash the dishes, drive her kids to soccer. She may protest, but only weakly. In time, she’ll get better at receiving help and expressing gratitude, instead of guilt.
On the other hand, if your friend is really clear about her privacy, then respect that. When my friend Heather who had colon cancer was facing test results from her latest PET/CAT scan, she always made clear that she needed time for her and her husband to process the results in private.
This was a time when she didn’t need me at all—even if the news was bad. And unfortunately, the news was always bad. But whether she went silent for a day or a week, I always respected that fact that my support wasn’t needed at the moment. When she was ready to share the test results, she would call. And I would always say, “Please let me know how I can support you.” And she did.
Share yourself. Remember that friendship is based on mutual exchange. So don’t write yourself out of the picture just because your friend’s circumstance seems overwhelming. Your life, and all of its events are just as important as they were before her cancer diagnosis. So when she asks you how you are, tell her in detail. Maybe your woes are small in contrast to hers. But she still cares about you and wants to hear.
Another friend of mine Claudia (also with a colon cancer diagnosis), had a long, unexpected hospital stay, during which time she stayed mostly drugged up, coming in and out of consciousness. Her husband had been at her side for days without going home and looked a wreck. He’d also developed a very angry, red pimple on his forehead.
At one point in her medicated haze, Claudia woke up briefly and said, “Honey, that’s a really big zit. Do you want me to bless it for you?”
Her husband laughing, said, “Sure, hon.”
She whispered a prayer and fell straight back to sleep. Later they had a big laugh about it. The point is, even when we’re feeling our worst, we care about the people in our lives and will do what we can for them. So let your friend celebrate with you, grieve with you, be there for you. Offering care is as healing as receiving it.
Know your boundaries. Face it, cancer is scary stuff. Depending on the depth of your friendship and the severity of her diagnosis, you might be experiencing some serious grief, anger, frustration or fear. Remember that you need to take care of yourself. If you’re a key care-provider, then you might ask someone else to take extra special care of you.
Sometimes you’ll want to shake your fist at the sky, or sit on the couch and throw yourself a pity party. Do it. If you need to cry your eyes out because you’re afraid your friend might not recover and you have no idea how you’ll survive without her, then cry.
If you need a prompt to get the tears flowing, here’s a good one. (Whew. Watch with caution). My Life Without Me
Remember that you need to practice radical self-care. Eat well. Get good rest. Exercise. Go out dancing. Have one-too-many martinis. Spend an entire day in bed with a lover.
Remind yourself that you’re not the one with cancer, even if cancer may be affecting your life in a dramatic way. Take a step back when you need to. Good boundaries are key here. As much as you love her, it's her journey. You're the side-kick. Healthy boundaries are sometimes very tough to figure out in the face of serious illness. Ask an expert, an elder, or your counselor if you're feeling unsure about how to avoid the pitfalls of over-extending yourself.
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Practice a good sense of humor. It will help keep her alive. It will help keep you sane. There’s so much comic material in all the indignity of cancer, so milk it for all it’s worth. You shouldn’t take any of it too seriously--not even cancer.
But if you’ve momentarily lost your sense of humor there are plenty of prompts for a good laugh. Everyone has a different flavor of funny so choose with consideration. But I'm all for risking irreverence. Laughing your ass off is the proverbial dose of good medicine.
Poor-Taste Genre:
All My Friends Are Dead
The Book of Bunny Suicides
Return of the Bunny Suicides
Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
Best in Show
A Tad More Mainstream:
Paper Heart
Important Things with Demetri Martin
Monty Python Holy Trinity
Presidential MisSpeak: The Very Curious Language of George W. Bush
The Quotable Douchebag: A Treasury of Spectacularly Stupid Remarks
On the Gentler Side:
Babies (documentary)
Creature Comforts
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