Give a Goat This Year

A friend called me last week in a pre-holiday frenzy and asked, "Is it ok with you if I don’t buy you a gift, but give a goat instead?"

"Absolutely!" I said. And we both agreed to spend our dollars this year with Heifer International.

In case you don't know, Heifer International is a non-profit that gives livestock and training to families around the world, with the mission to end hunger and foster self-reliance. They do great work and offer the whole farmyard in their gift catalog.

So instead of buying that person who has everything another Starbucks mug and 2lb bag of gourmet coffee, tell them you bought a heifer (or better yet a bull) with their name on it and shipped it to a fair trade coffee farmer in Guatemala. That person who has everything may thank you for your generosity—or not. But take the risk. You’ll feel good about it.

Here are some other folks who could use a few of your dollars, around the holiday season and always:

• Donors Choose : An online charity connecting you to classrooms in need.
• Vitamin Angels: Vitamin Angels reduces child mortality worldwide by connecting essential nutrients, especially vitamin A.
• Donate Seattle: Find What to Donate and Who to Donate To
• Youth in Focus: Empowers urban teens, through photography, to experience their world in new ways and make positive changes in their lives.

Also see: 10 Highly Rated Charities Relying on Private Contributions

Keeping Your Marbles: Staying Sane in Winter Weather

It begins when Daylight Savings ends. You emerge from work and it’s black as midnight. That rat-like part of your primordial brain urges you to find shelter in a small, nest-like place. The predators are close and abundant. You must gorge yourself, and stay still and quiet in a safe slumber.

Welcome to winter, folks! Sure, we all might be excited for the first festive snow fall, but in another month or two, things can get tough. Here are a few thoughts about surviving the dark hours. Most of us, especially the Seattleites, know the way to stay sane even when we’re in the double digits of days without a sunbreak. But the point is, if you slip down the slope and start feeling blue,  or straight up loony, there’s a chance you’ll forget every smart thing you knew.

So be proactive. Start good habits now. And in the thick of it refer back to this list. Just a few simple tricks can help you turn your mood back around.

1) Exercise whether you want to or not
2) Avoid the excesses—carbs, sugar and alcohol
3) Take your cod liver oil
4) Socialize
5) Get sun (artificial or the real mcCoy)
6) Repeat steps 1-5 relentlessly

1) Exercise whether you want to or not: We all know the power of endorphins. A good workout at the gym will change your day. You’re feeling stir-crazy, grumpy or even depressed? A good sweat and rapid heart rate can change all that. So why don’t you do it?

It’s cold. It’s dark. I usually run outdoors and the weather won’t permit. I don’t feel like it.

Blah blah blah, and bullshit. Do it anyway.

Confronting the Boss

A friend asked me the other day, “Have you ever had to confront your boss?”

I laughed. “Yes, pretty much in every job I’ve ever had.” 

I’ve never been afraid to go head-to-head with the boss. Most of the time this just means bringing unknown issues into better view so they can be quickly problem-solved. Sometimes it means a difficult negotiation.

Either way, talking to the boss should never be viewed as a risk to your job security as long as your approach is reasonable and respectful, as long as you "play nice."

In my friend’s case, she wasn’t getting enough hours at her job and was at risk of losing benefits—a scary proposition for a single mother of four.

I listened to her situation. It all came down to better communication. No problem. She was in great standing with the company, with an excellent performance record. But actually, there was a problem. She was angry and was at risk of bringing that anger into the conversation.

First, she felt like she shouldn’t have to ask her boss to give her what she viewed as her basic right as an employee—40 hours a week. "I shouldn't have to beg for it," she said. Second, she felt her livelihood was being threatened, a fear that can evoke strong reactions in the best of times.

Here’s some of the advice I gave her and have given other friends in similar situations.

1. Be professional and impersonal

I advised my friend to deal only with the facts of the situation. She needed to ask her boss what they could do to ensure 40 hours per week. You can’t assume that your boss always has your best interest at heart. Sometimes—most of the time—you have to fight for yourself. Do this by speaking in terms of what’s good for you and the company.

Scars

I became fascinated with scars over a decade ago when my colleague caught her hand in a pair of electric hedge trimmers and needed more than 50 stitches. I photographed her fingers—a crazy, intricate patchwork. Because she was a painter, we collaborated to create beautiful, if not disturbing, portraits a la Alfred Stieglitz, the famous photographer and the lover of Georgia O’Keefe, whose delicate hands where so brilliantly captured in black and white more than 90 years ago. In other words, we made art from a scary accident.

I took those shots of my colleague’s hands just after the injury, and thankfully, the doctor’s handiwork had left only faint lines, marks too subtle for a second round of photos. So though I never photographed her scars, it set me on the path of exploration of scars as metaphor.

We all have a scar somewhere on our bodies, and these scars are usually coupled with a good story. Sometimes the injury is benign, funny, and maybe nostalgic of childhood adventure. Sometimes the injury is more dramatic, the physical event accompanied by an emotional trauma.

Part of the reason I became interested in photographing the visible scars is because I believe there is healing in honoring them. The photo seen here was taken of my friend who had been in a terrible car accident. The experience of taking the photographs—I hope—helped her come to terms her body’s transformation and the general post-traumatic fallout. We also had a lot of fun taking them.

On-the-Job Blunders

A friend called me last week in a panic. “I screwed up big at work and I think I could get fired over this.” I listened to the situation. Yes, she might have missed some protocols in carrying out a project (an expensive project) but no, she wasn’t going to get fired. I helped her strategize.


1) Be calm. Walk around the block and lose your mind for a minute. But as soon as you’re back inside and dealing with the situation, you need to be calm.

2) Take ownership. If it’s your blunder, own it. Use simple language. “This was my error.” Even if it’s not yours alone (it never really is when you’re working on a team) don’t blame others. Throwing a colleague under the bus will reflect most poorly on you.

3) Determine the root cause. This is tech-speak for figuring out why it happened. If it’s a one-off mistake on your part, say so. But if it’s a procedural issue and is likely to happen again, figure out why it happened and change the methodology. Again, this is not about blame, but about improving overall business practices.

Friends, Cancer and Laughing Your Ass Off

One of my best friends died of colon cancer 3 years ago. Two of my friends have had mastectomies this summer. These aren’t women in their golden years, but young, vibrant beauties in their 30’s and early 40’s.

Cancer is becoming part of our everyday landscape. Maybe it’s touched your life already. There are countless support groups, a multitude of awareness-raising organizations, and tons of great literature about cancer. Even so, because I’ve learned so much from my friends, I’m compelled to share a few insights myself.

Here are just a handful of thoughts I’ve collected about how to be a good friend, as well as take care of yourself when illness comes along.

1) Be the same friend you’ve always been.
2) Establish your role.
3) Share yourself.
4) Know your boundaries.
5) Laugh, laugh, laugh.

Be the same friend you’ve always been. Everything’s different. And everything’s the same. Your friend make be stepping into her first round of chemo tomorrow, but. . .

How to Tell a Great Guy It’s a No-Go

Ever meet a great guy and by the end of the third date you’re still shoving your hand out for a handshake? Trust me, this is a no-go. Don’t go on a fourth.

It doesn’t matter how kind, compassionate, handsome, smart or financially stable he is. It doesn’t matter how much he seems to like you. Break the news as soon as possible.

When breaking tough news to his mother, Shakespeare’s Hamlet said, “I must be cruel only to be kind so that bad begins and worse remains behind.” This is good advice. If you’re looking for the whole package in a partner—meaning romance, attraction and compatibility—you’re going to figure out pretty much right away if you’re hot for him or not. And if you’re not, keep your integrity. Don’t lie or make excuses. Don’t use the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Tell him like it is. He will appreciate it.